Dear God,

What and where will my life lead?  What will my life ultimately even matter?  Is life just a test to challenge you, to see if you have the guts to prevail over evil stimuli?  I don’t know.  I feel that life is more important than to follow the path of the one in front of you.  To follow the path that will lead to success, but won’t have tested the full boundaries of human will.  What is it that I so search for to accomplish in my life.  Either my will is too important to waste following the average path, or it doesn’t mean anything at all.  I have an uncontrollable urge to see what is out there, to feel what can hurt a human soul the most, and to look pure evil straight in the eye, laugh and say, “You have no idea.”  I want to go to hell and come back.  I want to explain to those who have no idea what pain is, that there is another world out there that has been hiding from you all.  For me, my life is not the ultimate sacrifice, it is not to expose, not to trap the unknown of the human mind.  I want you to test me with the ultimate test of pain.  I want my life to mean something.  I don’t want to waste all that I have been through for nothing.  I don’t want everything that I’ve given up to mean nothing.

Is it really what you want of me?  Is this really what you want me to do?  Or, am I really just crazy?  Or, is it all just a riddle that will take me to the end of my to solve.  Is it love that you want me to feel, is it myself that you want me to overcome?  Do you want to see me break down, do you want me to just give it all up and cry?  What do you want me to sacrifice to show you how serious I am?  I can be your ultimate tool.  I can be anything you want me to be.  Just show me what you want me to do.

And when it is all over, are you just going to look at me and say, “You think too much.  All you ever had to do is what you wanted.”  But, I don’t know what I want.  All I know now is that something amazing has to come of all of this, something never, ever seen before, and I’ll to anything for it.  I’m just looking for someone or something to give all of this to.  I realize my selfish ways, sharing my pain, giving my thoughts to someone that I have to let go.  I just wanted him to understand and to not feel that he had to make everything right – to feel like he had fix everything.  What do you want from me?  It can all start now.

Love, Benjamin Lee Kiesov

Its been awhile since ive been able to actually write in person on the site. I miss it and glad to see that people are really active. Ive still been writing slowly but have no internet access. I am trying to piece together a longer than average writing for my style. I am really pleased with it so far and have exciting (for me) plans for it. I dont have a tittle for it yet, still searching.

The midnight mist brings here the bagpipe’s song
among many to guide the light to an always returning sun
lonely, black, dark, and cold doesnt bring the same meaning now
not used cautiously and casually spoken
not given they full respect they deserve
Those to indulge their pain, those who find themselves in the shadow of darkness make way to the great lakes of fire, teased and tormented by the memory of love only found in the arms of angels.

The somber songs follows until your new soul is born. Here the strong wind, a broken record, always with you to remind of the Hell that consumes your heart and the peace thats never been found. The Wind, here the Wind is the only you can trust. The Wind will tell you where you are and where you could be and where your not.
“Great and powerful wind can you show me what its like? The soft touch of love. Bring me a dream of love that has no end. Tease me of what ive never had. Torment me with the dream i fight so hard to gain.”

Her name was Sarah. Its always “Sarah”. Clenching my hand, it feels as if a dark room is lit up for the first time. The feeling of warmth is always with me but the details seem to fade away Here. Not like they used to. The Wind, my blessing and my curse, the bringer of light and darkness.

what isn’t right

what isn’t real

how should i act

how should i feel

when should i be mad

when should i be sad

where should i run

where has the sun gone

where should i bleed

when should i smile

what do i need

if only for awhile

when do i cry

and when do i not

what is a good

and what is a bad thought

what is right and

what is wrong

trying to make sense

for far too long

when do i go

when do i stay

where is God

and what do i say

how do i feel

it doesn’t matter anyway

when do i take

when do i give

when do i die

when do i live

what should i do

to learn something new.

In my quest I’ve seen things no one should – way too many bad days than are good.

(Sometimes when you lose, you win.)

That kid who walks down the hall,

Seems to be alright there beside the wall.

The kid who likes to be his own,

But his heart inside begins to moan.

His real dad ran in his need,

Didn’t care if his son wasn’t freed.

His mom’s three suicide threats kill him inside,

And now every night he wonders if she lied.

All his feelings he begins to hide,

No show of his step-dad’s suicide.

Don’t care what other people think,

Slowly he starts to sink.

Is there one who will really know,

That the heart is the real one to show.

This one he’ll care to eternity all,

But he thinks and begins to fall.

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be,

The one alone, that one is he.

Always forgotten he wishes to remain,

In the mind he states insane.

It will all end as all does to all,

To this kid beside the wall.

But the welcome of pain he will soon greet,

As the two finally meet.

Maybe now that he has the one,

He might finally know what is fun.

But the ones who think of him strange,

His life he will remain in a cage.

Laughed at, the pain is greeted,

His mind will soon be defeated.

But he knows it doesn’t matter,

As they will all pay as he gets crazier.

Of the thought a smile distorts his face,

To of what revenge will taste.

This is the first writing i had ever done. I had an assignment for an english class to write a “poem” and decided to take it seriously. I was a freshman and young so the writing might be a little corny but im sure each of us has felt this at some point in their life and nothing is a joke if you appreciate the feelings of another person. Hope you like….

Her – 1999

When i first saw her it felt as if i were struck by lightening. From that point on i strived to become the person she wanted to be around. On days I’ve sen her talking to her friends and wished i were that person i seen her talk to. I seen her listen…. i seen her laugh.

She changed what i do, she changed what i say, she changed my life. For that I’ve seen what I’ve done with my life and laugh. She changed my life to what i wish it to be. She seems to be good to be true.

When she talks to me, even for a minute my whole days turns to be good. if only she knew who i am inside for that i know we would be friends for life. Isn’t that why we were put on this Earth? to love and be loved?

You could say it was a goal to have a person like her. I will keep trying and trying until my goal is reached in its best was possible. my love for her is like the endless stars in the sky.

Ben Kiesov
to ASHTOM

The cursed land – part 2

its better to feel pain though rather than nothing at all
than be locked in an endless free-fall
I wish i could stay where it doesnt always hurt
and feel the love and brotherhood like at a Rockfest concert

But you dont always get what you want
when you think your weak your really commanding the front
Things are not always the way you think
when you believe your invisible heads turn to hear you speak
Different things make the sky blue
making small steps is better than not having a clue
to the ultimate goal, your dream, to come true
you have to fight, you HAVE to remember to do what you have to do

Does God have me in his hand
when i land back in the sinking sand
counting the hours, all i think is how to get high
then crashing down like i were shot from the sky
Everyone hurts when im in the cloads
i break the promise that i have more than once vowed
The fog keeps me blind from the black cloads above
and numb to the ones who try to share thier love
So selfish i pray for the Lord to take me away
I dont have the guts to slide the blade the right way to end my stay

All these scars that have destracted pain from my soul and in my heart
that takes me away from the anger and saddness that is tearing me apart
the blade my friend, the bringer of relief
that only a small percentege of people could really ever understand
I wish i could explain to you the way it works on the cursed land

I dont know what it is with me. One day i feel on top of the world, nothing could be better. The next i wake up to gagging and continue all day long. I try to stifle it, but if i half way throw up it doesnt seem as bad for awhile. I always want to get fucked up (I know im exposing myself) and seem seriously depressed and i dont know why. Thats what is bothering me the most, that i cant find the reason why this is all happening. I may be blocking something i dont want to deal with? But what? Even when i take something to calm me down i get a headache and the gagging gets worse. I find myself with me head in my hands again. And i dont know why….. I havent been able to sleep in the past coulple days, I stay up and watch movies and hope to drift into sleep. My meds have been comprimised once again. My doctor doesnt practice at the same place and has been hard to find where he is to prescribe my meds and am running out of everything. I have allready ran out of one anti-depressant and one sleeping aid. Thats probobly what my problem is. I have one more anti depressant and one more mood stablalizer and seem to have doubled my dose to try and curve my mood. But it doesnt work. It took me two years to find the right cocktail of medicines that work for me, having these pills pushed on me that make me throw up 2 hours later. That really pisses me off. And i finally found it! And theyre going to try and fuck me again. FUCK! If i cant get what im dependent on as far as my meds, my life… will spiral down to a Hell…. that makes it impossible to breath. Im so sick of this i dont want to go there again. Its so cold alone, you find yourself just wandering in the darkness…. You protect your hope under a cloak, a ball of light, to make sure that no one tries to steal your chance.

its been some time since ive written on the site, and i ask myself why. The first thing that comes up is that my life has improved dramaticly in the past while and i have nothing much to bitch and complain about. I would say that 95% of my writings through out the years have been nothing but negative, maybe trying to seek pity or compation. And alot of time when i do get it, when they do hear what i have to say then they become different towards me that when they didnt know anything. People start to become affraid of me for some reason, and have lost alot of friends because of it. Its one thing to dump it all out on a person you really dont know and completly different if you can live in the now and apply what youve learned for the future. “what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger”

But i am so paranoid about slipping and falling back to where i was. Now that i know how fulfilling life can be if i had to go back it would be even worse than before. Its like riding first class, after youve riden first class you really dont want to go back to coach. And that has become one of the most single important thing that i have to protect. I kind of think of it like the indians they would fight for thier way of life and i sure as hell will too.

I so love to help people, especially the people that i can see have gone through similiar circumstances that i have. I believe that i can… guide them through the jungle through a more easier path to trek. I find it very rewarding, the smile on thier face or the look in thier eyes just fills my heart with happiness. But sometimes it can be a little to much to handle, all these lost souls seem to attract to me and i relize that im saying mostly the same thing to most of them. I dont think that is good. Dont get me wrong i do listen, i listen VERY hard to people if they want to tell me something that just eats them up inside, like a person to cry on. That doesnt bother me its just SO many people living in such hurt it breaks my heart, it really breaks my heart. i just want to shake them, shake them so hard they dont know where they are anymore and a light comes on in thier head telling them they dont have to live like this. Peace. According to the bible worrying is a sin because you dont believe that God will guide you through the darkness. Thats a hard thing to… live by, but is true. Im not preaching i just want so many people that I CAN SEE having hurtfull lives to smile and say im worth it.

This past time in KC ive learned alot about alot of people. Thier actions speak volumes about the way they are and the way they think and do acordingly. Its allright to blow people off when they try to take you down a notch for what ever fucked up reason they think they have to do that. its allright to be wrong sometimes, its allright to ask for help. Everyone needs it sometimes and your a fool if you think otherwise.

The main thing im trying to say is that i wish i could give alittle of myself to these people to help them to see what they cant see just yet. To help. Im not going to mention any names, but when i see them next im going to have a smile from ear to ear. :):):)

This is Charles Kiesov, i have created a profile but still exist to account for one which is my own fault. Due to the fact i was to comprehensive to the fact that i didn’t care enough, or the fact that the information wasn’t given to me. I am Nyalic’s brother….in which i will stand side by side to any force that comes our way, to which any evil steps before us……because we are stronger then any obstacle that can overcome our heart.

I am destined to be the the best professional NL/. tournament player….this is a hard obstacle to overcome…but it is my life….what i feel i need to do…what i feel in my heart i need to do. “All men die, not all men really live”-Braveheart-…..in my word’s….”all Men try to live, all Men try to make it, all Men try to be there best,……but in the end…..the strongest MEN,,…hold there hand up high…and say this is why i live.

God created us for a reason, to do our own, to make what we are.
he doesn’t give any explanation, nor no reason…..just the way he acts.
I believe, in my heart….there is evil in this world we live in, obstacles the devil will ALWAY’s give us. You might think the LORD is laying back, taking it easy…..(laughing)…but in reality…he has already given enough power to you to overcome anything that comes your way. Ask for help, there he is…lift up a rock and i am there. Cut a piece of wood and u will find me….for i am the LORD…and for always i will be with you. AMEN……. Brother’s and Sister’s…for this world we live in, we take for granted, God watches us and studies the things we have accomplished.

The reason i am trying to explain……look in your heart, look in your eyes…and believe in what u see