Vast Reality

This is the first writing i had ever done. I had an assignment for an english class to write a “poem” and decided to take it seriously. I was a freshman and young so the writing might be a little corny but im sure each of us has felt this at some point in their life and nothing is a joke if you appreciate the feelings of another person. Hope you like….

Her - 1999

When i first saw her it felt as if i were struck by lightening. From that point on i strived to become the person she wanted to be around. On days I’ve sen her talking to her friends and wished i were that person i seen her talk to. I seen her listen…. i seen her laugh.

She changed what i do, she changed what i say, she changed my life. For that I’ve seen what I’ve done with my life and laugh. She changed my life to what i wish it to be. She seems to be good to be true.

When she talks to me, even for a minute my whole days turns to be good. if only she knew who i am inside for that i know we would be friends for life. Isn’t that why we were put on this Earth? to love and be loved?

You could say it was a goal to have a person like her. I will keep trying and trying until my goal is reached in its best was possible. my love for her is like the endless stars in the sky.

Ben Kiesov
to ASHTOM

The cursed land - part 2

its better to feel pain though rather than nothing at all
than be locked in an endless free-fall
I wish i could stay where it doesnt always hurt
and feel the love and brotherhood like at a Rockfest concert

But you dont always get what you want
when you think your weak your really commanding the front
Things are not always the way you think
when you believe your invisible heads turn to hear you speak
Different things make the sky blue
making small steps is better than not having a clue
to the ultimate goal, your dream, to come true
you have to fight, you HAVE to remember to do what you have to do

Does God have me in his hand
when i land back in the sinking sand
counting the hours, all i think is how to get high
then crashing down like i were shot from the sky
Everyone hurts when im in the cloads
i break the promise that i have more than once vowed
The fog keeps me blind from the black cloads above
and numb to the ones who try to share thier love
So selfish i pray for the Lord to take me away
I dont have the guts to slide the blade the right way to end my stay

All these scars that have destracted pain from my soul and in my heart
that takes me away from the anger and saddness that is tearing me apart
the blade my friend, the bringer of relief
that only a small percentege of people could really ever understand
I wish i could explain to you the way it works on the cursed land

I dont know what it is with me. One day i feel on top of the world, nothing could be better. The next i wake up to gagging and continue all day long. I try to stifle it, but if i half way throw up it doesnt seem as bad for awhile. I always want to get fucked up (I know im exposing myself) and seem seriously depressed and i dont know why. Thats what is bothering me the most, that i cant find the reason why this is all happening. I may be blocking something i dont want to deal with? But what? Even when i take something to calm me down i get a headache and the gagging gets worse. I find myself with me head in my hands again. And i dont know why….. I havent been able to sleep in the past coulple days, I stay up and watch movies and hope to drift into sleep. My meds have been comprimised once again. My doctor doesnt practice at the same place and has been hard to find where he is to prescribe my meds and am running out of everything. I have allready ran out of one anti-depressant and one sleeping aid. Thats probobly what my problem is. I have one more anti depressant and one more mood stablalizer and seem to have doubled my dose to try and curve my mood. But it doesnt work. It took me two years to find the right cocktail of medicines that work for me, having these pills pushed on me that make me throw up 2 hours later. That really pisses me off. And i finally found it! And theyre going to try and fuck me again. FUCK! If i cant get what im dependent on as far as my meds, my life… will spiral down to a Hell…. that makes it impossible to breath. Im so sick of this i dont want to go there again. Its so cold alone, you find yourself just wandering in the darkness…. You protect your hope under a cloak, a ball of light, to make sure that no one tries to steal your chance.

its been some time since ive written on the site, and i ask myself why. The first thing that comes up is that my life has improved dramaticly in the past while and i have nothing much to bitch and complain about. I would say that 95% of my writings through out the years have been nothing but negative, maybe trying to seek pity or compation. And alot of time when i do get it, when they do hear what i have to say then they become different towards me that when they didnt know anything. People start to become affraid of me for some reason, and have lost alot of friends because of it. Its one thing to dump it all out on a person you really dont know and completly different if you can live in the now and apply what youve learned for the future. “what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger”

But i am so paranoid about slipping and falling back to where i was. Now that i know how fulfilling life can be if i had to go back it would be even worse than before. Its like riding first class, after youve riden first class you really dont want to go back to coach. And that has become one of the most single important thing that i have to protect. I kind of think of it like the indians they would fight for thier way of life and i sure as hell will too.

I so love to help people, especially the people that i can see have gone through similiar circumstances that i have. I believe that i can… guide them through the jungle through a more easier path to trek. I find it very rewarding, the smile on thier face or the look in thier eyes just fills my heart with happiness. But sometimes it can be a little to much to handle, all these lost souls seem to attract to me and i relize that im saying mostly the same thing to most of them. I dont think that is good. Dont get me wrong i do listen, i listen VERY hard to people if they want to tell me something that just eats them up inside, like a person to cry on. That doesnt bother me its just SO many people living in such hurt it breaks my heart, it really breaks my heart. i just want to shake them, shake them so hard they dont know where they are anymore and a light comes on in thier head telling them they dont have to live like this. Peace. According to the bible worrying is a sin because you dont believe that God will guide you through the darkness. Thats a hard thing to… live by, but is true. Im not preaching i just want so many people that I CAN SEE having hurtfull lives to smile and say im worth it.

This past time in KC ive learned alot about alot of people. Thier actions speak volumes about the way they are and the way they think and do acordingly. Its allright to blow people off when they try to take you down a notch for what ever fucked up reason they think they have to do that. its allright to be wrong sometimes, its allright to ask for help. Everyone needs it sometimes and your a fool if you think otherwise.

The main thing im trying to say is that i wish i could give alittle of myself to these people to help them to see what they cant see just yet. To help. Im not going to mention any names, but when i see them next im going to have a smile from ear to ear. :):):):)