I dont know what it is with me. One day i feel on top of the world, nothing could be better. The next i wake up to gagging and continue all day long. I try to stifle it, but if i half way throw up it doesnt seem as bad for awhile. I always want to get fucked up (I know im exposing myself) and seem seriously depressed and i dont know why. Thats what is bothering me the most, that i cant find the reason why this is all happening. I may be blocking something i dont want to deal with? But what? Even when i take something to calm me down i get a headache and the gagging gets worse. I find myself with me head in my hands again. And i dont know why….. I havent been able to sleep in the past coulple days, I stay up and watch movies and hope to drift into sleep. My meds have been comprimised once again. My doctor doesnt practice at the same place and has been hard to find where he is to prescribe my meds and am running out of everything. I have allready ran out of one anti-depressant and one sleeping aid. Thats probobly what my problem is. I have one more anti depressant and one more mood stablalizer and seem to have doubled my dose to try and curve my mood. But it doesnt work. It took me two years to find the right cocktail of medicines that work for me, having these pills pushed on me that make me throw up 2 hours later. That really pisses me off. And i finally found it! And theyre going to try and fuck me again. FUCK! If i cant get what im dependent on as far as my meds, my life… will spiral down to a Hell…. that makes it impossible to breath. Im so sick of this i dont want to go there again. Its so cold alone, you find yourself just wandering in the darkness…. You protect your hope under a cloak, a ball of light, to make sure that no one tries to steal your chance.
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June 21st, 2008 at 10:38 am
The word I see that stands out like no other: dependency. I believe you rely on something you don’t necessarily have to rely on. It’s almost as if you actually believe that you cannot exist without these different medications. You actually believe that this “concoction” was created with purpose of balancing your mood and your life overall. I do not believe that. Of course, I’m here and you’re there. I don’t know you as well as you know you. What I can do is tell you that the human mind is an incredible tool whose work is unparalleled by anything man-made drugs can do. You simply cannot give yourself to medication, waking up knowing that your supply is running out, like you’re chasing a dream that is constantly out-running you. That’s not life man, that’s a train wreck about to happen. You have to find inner strength. You don’t believe in yourself. If you can’t rely on your core - who you are inside - to shine when all other light has passed, then you cannot rely on anything. Your quest sounds like it is finding YOURSELF, not which medications work with others and which do not.