Vast Reality

Chapter 4
Ive been doing good actually for the past couple days, after a horrible day. Waking up every day
with the realization that there really is nothing to get up for. That probobly sounds like a comment
that deserves “well get your ass out and stop being a chicken shit”. But is harder than that. Its
so much easier to say than to do of course. I call this “taking the plunge”. I go to my grandmothers
house every week to help her with her yard and things and have found it to be very refreshing. I
can remember not 5 months ago not stepping outside the door frame for 2 -3 weeks. I dont like
to get out alot. To many people even in a town of 10k, just going into wall-mart is a bitch. I
suppose i dont want to establish myself in society? My feelings toward that subject are very
stong. i have no confidence in humanity. The idea that the world is going to end in 50 years
influences my life dramaticly. I am allready planning on where i will go and what i will have to
do to survive.

I have a smile on my face right now, because these writings although very… punishing to myself
but at the same time can see what the problems are and can figure ways to correct them. That
is a big part of life and very valuable comodity to see inside yourself and condition yourself for
the better. Its kinda like if someone were to tell you every single problem, especially the ones
that sway your life, are thrown at you all at once.but the outcome over weighs the feelings when
i am writing this series.

Chapter 3
I was so fortunate to finally fall asleep last night. the depression was in full swing and bad thoughts
were cycling in my mind like a fierce tornado. Im not sure what the connection afflicting pain to the
body stiffles the pain in the mind, but for me it does. I now have a blister from a cigerette burn.
that help me forget, distract me from the anguish in my head. Now i have to hide them to….
not have to answer the questions that they dont know arnt thier bussiness. Something i will have
to live with for the rest of my life. and i know that. Does self harm automaticly establish yourself
in some sort of catagory, stereotype? And if so what is that label?

My philosophy on life is: life is a series of battles, a war. you fight many battles and you will
eventually be hurt. that is life. A feel like a soldier that can handle any battle that comes my
way but am so tired of fighting them… but i still do. A boxer that has had hundreds of fights and
just doesnt have it in him to fight anymore. Being bucked off the bronco and your only choice
once again is to get back up.

Like many other with my mind set are extremely pesimestic, so much it controls thier actions
and thier life. Afraid of change, afraid of happiness because they dont want the ground to fall
from under them once again, just when thier guard is down. A wall is built and is so high. I
perch from the ledge and people are as small as ants and i can only hear the wind. But thats
not the way i want it to be, i want to be open to someone, strong enough to be vulnerable. But
i cant and i dont know if i will ever be ready. This after a long time can plague a man/ woman.
the lack of intimacy, of love. Ive never allowed myself to get even close. But i think if i could have
one wish i wish i could have that. Someone to love and…. someone to love you back is….
undescribable. I have to break this wall down, open the doors, take a chance or i will be missing
out on one of the most special feelings someone can ever possess.

Many times i challenge God to give me his worst. Like im challenging him to push me into the
darkest and deepest hole one can fall into. To see if i can find a way out. And it seems to me
that im not doing a very good job. heh. look at me now. Why would i do this? challenge God?
i thought if i could take anything that he threw at me i would be some kind of general in his
army in the sky. But ive given up that notion. I beg for mercy. Its pushing me to a point that
i forget where i am. i honestly cant figure where i am. I know im in my apartment but i couldnt
find it on a map. Blocking years from my life. I just stopped remembering. And when it gets really
bad i slip into a state of constant unawarness, a coma. That isnt right man. Why do i deserve
that? Do i deserve that? To many questions.

I am attempting to learn guitar.  I have just recently been able to devote a decent amount of time to teaching myself.  My skills aren’t too impressive, but I am improving quickly.  I have taken up the practice of recording some of my practice sessions so that I may monitor the changes in my ability. 

These are the first decent sound quality recordings I’ve been able to achieve using my computer.  They’re improvised and unstructured, so in total they’re not a great listen if you’re expecting a “song” type piece.  When I sit down to practice, I often play for 10-15 minutes without stopping.  This is a recording of an eight minute section.  I had to break it up into two pieces in order to be able to upload it so each file is 3-4 MB in .wma format.  Any feedback is appreciated, but if there is a particular suggestion about any part, please let me know the time signature and file as well, so I may go back and listen. 

First Four Minutes

Second Four Minutes

The New - Chapter 1 (Rated Messed up - Enter at own risk)

I woke this day awaiting my chance
I drempt this day, my time, was finally at glance
To figure a way to fit a square into a circle
To take the plunge and create a miracle
Breaking outside the box is like breathing new air
It doesnt matter where you go the bad will follow everywhere
I cant pay the price the world demands
No matter how hard you fight you jusk keep sinking deeper in the sand.

The path to happy seems so long
but you can feel it, in your heart, that you’re doing right and not wrong

I know i say this alot but, i am trying. trying to reach this level that always just seems to high
to grab. I think i want to stay in the past. stay in a life that is familiar. i think that i am very
affraid of the unknown. to take the plunge. i dont know if im prepared to handle what that might
bring, good or bad. lately ive been thinking alot, have i been trying to long? is it about time for
me to make a move? is it about time for me to do something? it most likely is, but again seeing
outside the situation your in is very difficult. I look back at times and i didnt relize how bad it
was at the time, but now see that things were pretty messed up. is that the way it is now? I
never know.

but here lately i have a different mind set. those small things i would take
advantage of i am not now. like taking a quarter from the coin jar every day, it adds up. the
little things like asking for one more cig, asking for another bowl, loaning money with no intent
on paying them back. i dont want to do anymore. it was like…. chiping small pieces of my
soul, and now ive almost burnt most my bridges. ALMOST, so close…. to losing what means
the most in my life. i feel ashamed that ive lost………… the very roots of my being. what i was
all about. i feel like a con artist. taking every little thing, working people. i see that now, and
am trying to make it right. i thought i had it all under wraps, i thought i could get away with it,
and i never even knew that i was fucking up, and i was. ive lost more friends that i can remember.
fucking up. doing the wrong thing. And i would just blow it off, lose contact with them, disappear.
taking what i could and then leaving. i cant remember all the things ive done, who ive hurt, to
try and make it right. I just assume that who i have left i probobly have taken advantage of
and… they’re still here. i value those people the most im my life, more than anything. becasue
deep i am not that person. i dont want to be like this.

i comprimise everything, sacrifice all of it. because i dont know what im supposed to do. i
dont know if i am doing what i should be doing. I dont know if my life is different that the rest.
i dont know where i am in the world. I dont fucking know what i should have and when i ask
for to much. its like walking in the dark… im very lost and i dont know what to do. All i do
know is that there is to much wrong all around me, no matter where i go i can see the hurt
in people’s eyes, and i cant contribute to that no matter what i do. i will sacrifice my
comfort, for you to be comfortable. i will sacrifice my joy for you to be happy. i really dont
know what i should be doing, if even i should be doing that. I just know that i wont be part
of anyones unhappiness, if i can do anything about it. I would give my life for just one of my
loved ones to be happy for the rest of thier life. instantly.

im pretty confused. but again i am trying, to sort this out. and i feel that i am doing the right
thing, right now. i wrote this not expecting a reply, i dont expect one and would probobly
rather not have one, but i just wanted you to know.

Chapter 2
Ive felt lower than i have ever felt in my life in these past couple weeks. So lonely i can hardly
stand it. Im pushing alot of people away. The people that mean the most to me. Im doing things
to myself that i dont understand. This constant need to self medicate rules my world. Its so much
easier to run away and hide than to face this goliath of a demon i cant even see. I honestly cant
say i like the person ive become. An addict.

Im really sick. I hide my arm to conceal the scars ive made. Most of the people that read this
first ive thought about killing. I expect them to understand something that they can never
understand. It becomes an obsession to plan every second, every move, every action. What is
wrong with me? I feel so lost. A spirit floating in the winds.

I dont think i want to die but i think do i really want to live. When i take dozens and dozens of
pills in a few hours. What does this mean? Im so tired of being me. being alone, affraid, i feel
like i dont even exist. A ghost that just want someone to understand, just one person to…

Humanity in my eyes doesnt exist anymore. So many people hurting eachother, so many people.
What happened? If there is anything left please show me. I despretly need hope. People that i
thought were my friends betray me. I dont understand. I hate this. feeling like this. Im so
affraid that i wont let myself do what i need to do to be happy. I dont trust it. It just builds and
builds and i cant do anything about it.

Once loving temptation,
And forgotten elation,
Now extending creation,
For a long life’s duration,
And let the greed… slip… away.
Once time suspended,
And your ego defended,
Now all faith has been mended,
Hate for your brother has ended,
To the sky… lift your hands… today.