The New – Chapter 6
Posted by NyalicApr 25
Chapter 6
Why does everyday have to end in such discust. By the end of the night i cant wait to go to bed.
To escape the depression and the shitty feelings that brew throughout. I guess in everything in
life it requires your absolute devotion to complete a major goal and be happy with the results.
Ive been giving attention to my issues for some time and i guess i havent gave it enough it needs.
Once again i thought, that i was giving everything to writings, my heart and soul, punishing
myself to produce more and better writings. I was wrong. You have to give it EVERYTHING.
nothing comes easy, you have to work to make a difference. It has to completely engulf you,
body and mind.
Ive heard that people that have lived a certain way for thier entire life they dont relize that what
you may be doing is abnormal or unhealthy. I guess now that i think about it, it isnt very strange.
I accept the notion completly but not sure if everyone agrees. The people with different cultures
dont think what they are doing is wrong, and who is to say that they are, its how things were
done and you accept that. But what if someone who has lived in one place thier entire life, live
among people who are living a somewhat shared lifestyle, can one emerge that has no
recolection or idea of how “it should be”? Anything goes and you just except that as life. This
is the way it has always been so how could i know a difference?
It shocks doctors to hear that someone could have depression every single day. I dont
understand that. i think depression, the depression in my life, shapes every single idea, thought
principal, everything. that is a part of my life, so it puzzles me to think that other people have
it different? Do they have it 5 days a week? 2 days a week? I grant it that the severety is not the
same day after day, sometimes it could be pretty mild and sometimes it is more than you think
you can bare. Do you believe the phrase God never throws anything at you that you cant
handle? I wonder. always do.
(1999)In My Eyes
In a sence of resentment, hoping to find a sort… of relief.
A chilling call of selfishness and grief.
I look to see at what i must face.
A spirit of joy and love no trace.
All alone with no hope at all.
I soon begin to see that it all will fall.
With my head down in shame i soon see.
I have lost everything that there ever will be for me.
This longing for hope will grow no stronger.
I look at myself and see i cant last any longer.
I must escape this tormenting pain.
I no longer care for any, i have no gain.
Waiting for the end to come i wait.
Hoping never again to feel this dreadfull hate.
But it all will end as all does to all.
And again, tommarow, I will once again fall.
5 comments
Comment by Charles on April 26, 2008 at 4:35 PM
I believe I see a pattern. You are writing today, in the present, about more current events and tying it to older (from 1999, for instance) writings. So, are these writings an inspiration or source of fuel for the present writings? Are the present writings created completely seperate and somehow linked by chance to previous pains/joys/lessons? This new series, The New, is interesting. I was seeing an upward trend, which was a breath of fresh air, but the past couple “chapters” have leveled off or dropped somewhat in mood/demeanor. Is this series written with no “path” in mind? Or is it that the path not only exists, but it is carefully chosen? My curiosity on this is peaked.
On a more personal note, regarding the information presented:
I wonder that, if you see the differences in the different life when compared to your own, if you choose to keep your current state or make changes that increase your level of happiness. I understand that you would make sacrifices for this. Have you done this on a widened scale? Sacrifices don’t necessarily have to be intense to be broad and all-encompasing. I think there is a road or two available to you that do not show themselves. Do you seek them? Sometimes the smallest initial changes can expound and cause the greatest final change. This works for worse, and for better.
Comment by Charles on April 26, 2008 at 4:45 PM
In addition, your writings should be posted under the “Writings” checkbox when creating the post. This area is located just below the field for the text body of the post. Currently, I have moved your first writings over to that area from the “General” category (which is default). I will move Chapter 5 and Chapter 6 as well. This is a note for future reference.
If you click on the “Writings” cagetory on the right, your writings will come up under it, as well as any other author who posts into this category. Right now, a couple of your writings are coming up under the “General” category. Let me know if you have any questions.
Comment by Nick on April 26, 2008 at 5:01 PM
Nyalic, I’ve been reading your writings since you’ve first posted them here. I was taken by surprise by the depth of your pain. For myself, I often wondered whether feeling pain was better than feeling dead inside. I’ve experienced periods where nothing moves me inside. No emotion. Almost like I was a rock. Other times where life tosses me about like driftwood in a storm. No place or no one to cling to. Like circling the drain of life but never reaching the pipe. It took me years to realize that life’s storms are God’s way of getting my attention. Then once He had my attention, He uses those storms for another purpose. I’m sure you’ve heard these analogies before. You can’t have flour without crushing the wheat. You have to bake it to make bread. Gold has to go thru intense fire to make it pure. Then it’s beaten and molded to make something beautiful. I’m sure God has a plan for you. Your pain will be transformed into a sweet perfume. Others will smell the incense of peace in your life and wonder about your secret.
Comment by Nyalic on April 26, 2008 at 11:18 PM
Charles, i appreciate your interest. Each chapter was written on the thoughts and feelings for the day that i wrote it. Each chapter is a different day and only inspired by the thoughts and feelings i had in that particular day. The link between the writing and the poems i really don’t want to give away. I seen it a few chapters ago and it actually worked out. The only reason i don’t want to say is that i want you to figure it out. There is a connection. There is a path to these writings and the “story line” will soon start to sway a bit and will have an ending. I don’t know how long the series will be to that ending it may be a couple dozen no more than three dozen chapters.
I think that i have sacrificed to have a better situation, but not to the extent that i need to. I always did, and still do, think that for that kind of chance will shape my life and always believed that you have to do something drastic to make that change. Now i know that there are several little baby steps to getting where you want. Its the same way you become unhappy, small sacrifices and compromises that you give into. It does work for the good and for the bad.
I seek the good roads and i know what i have to do to make them more clear but i don’t take them for the reasons i explain in the chapters (third or fourth i think).
I forgot to put them in that category ill make sure and not do that again.
Comment by Nyalic on April 28, 2008 at 8:18 PM
Thank you for what you say Nick, im sorry i havent been able to respond back on your comments, i wanted to think about it for awhile… to say exaclty what i mean. I do think that feeling pain over nothing at all is a definate in my mind. Being so out of touch, and with no emotion it can start to consume your life and just takes over. I think all people have to work on this, but some not to the capacity than others. And the good things around you and the good people around you is just another thing to think about when you think bad.
I like your analogies on life. Especially “Gold has to go thru intense fire to make it pure. Then it’s beaten and molded to make something beautiful.” Life storms i think like you when you say that they are meant for getting attention, i definatly think that. And i think that every one SHOULD have been taught a lesson and that the part i like to pay very close attention.
Writing these writings, I feel good every time i finish something. Because that might reveal something i didnt realize. All though there isnt an exact answer to many you still can see what your facing and what is keeping you back. And i think that when im finished with a writing i like, it like turns a flashlight on in a dark room you can see clearer. So i think that maybe something to do with God’s plan because it helps me so much and maybe someone else.