Chapter 3
I was so fortunate to finally fall asleep last night. the depression was in full swing and bad thoughts
were cycling in my mind like a fierce tornado. Im not sure what the connection afflicting pain to the
body stiffles the pain in the mind, but for me it does. I now have a blister from a cigerette burn.
that help me forget, distract me from the anguish in my head. Now i have to hide them to….
not have to answer the questions that they dont know arnt thier bussiness. Something i will have
to live with for the rest of my life. and i know that. Does self harm automaticly establish yourself
in some sort of catagory, stereotype? And if so what is that label?

My philosophy on life is: life is a series of battles, a war. you fight many battles and you will
eventually be hurt. that is life. A feel like a soldier that can handle any battle that comes my
way but am so tired of fighting them… but i still do. A boxer that has had hundreds of fights and
just doesnt have it in him to fight anymore. Being bucked off the bronco and your only choice
once again is to get back up.

Like many other with my mind set are extremely pesimestic, so much it controls thier actions
and thier life. Afraid of change, afraid of happiness because they dont want the ground to fall
from under them once again, just when thier guard is down. A wall is built and is so high. I
perch from the ledge and people are as small as ants and i can only hear the wind. But thats
not the way i want it to be, i want to be open to someone, strong enough to be vulnerable. But
i cant and i dont know if i will ever be ready. This after a long time can plague a man/ woman.
the lack of intimacy, of love. Ive never allowed myself to get even close. But i think if i could have
one wish i wish i could have that. Someone to love and…. someone to love you back is….
undescribable. I have to break this wall down, open the doors, take a chance or i will be missing
out on one of the most special feelings someone can ever possess.

Many times i challenge God to give me his worst. Like im challenging him to push me into the
darkest and deepest hole one can fall into. To see if i can find a way out. And it seems to me
that im not doing a very good job. heh. look at me now. Why would i do this? challenge God?
i thought if i could take anything that he threw at me i would be some kind of general in his
army in the sky. But ive given up that notion. I beg for mercy. Its pushing me to a point that
i forget where i am. i honestly cant figure where i am. I know im in my apartment but i couldnt
find it on a map. Blocking years from my life. I just stopped remembering. And when it gets really
bad i slip into a state of constant unawarness, a coma. That isnt right man. Why do i deserve
that? Do i deserve that? To many questions.