Vast Reality

Chapter 7

I worked today, cuting and hauling wood. I did most of the loading and unloading, me and my
cousing, of the truck.
We had 10 well stocked truck beds of wood, 15 ric. from 9am to 6 or 7 at night. Thats a hard
job. All day long your moving, heh, you had better be or youll get more work than you can do.
My back had allready hurt the day before but now, its not feeling to well. I sun burnt my face
neck and arms and got three blisters. But I loved every minute of it. I had known this was
coming for a couple weeks.My unkle and my biological dad and my couisin, hardasses, i knew
it was going to be a serious job. For me it was. I took it very seriously, because i had time to
think about everything that might happen under different circumstances. My unkle hasnt really
put me to work, hard work, before and hasnt recieved any reason to really respect me. So i
decided that i would work until i cant stand. whatever it takes, whatever you want me to do,
however long you want me to do it ill do it. And i did. I feel very good, very proud that i finished
and gained the respect of an army Colonel.

I seen alot of family that i havent seen in a while, so that means catching up and talking. One
of the worst questions that you could ask me is “So what are you doing now?” I hate that
question, and had gotten asked it probobly 3 maybe four times today. I have nothing to say.
So i just say “nothing”.

I love it when its easy to fall asleep.

Chapter 6

Why does everyday have to end in such discust. By the end of the night i cant wait to go to bed.
To escape the depression and the shitty feelings that brew throughout. I guess in everything in
life it requires your absolute devotion to complete a major goal and be happy with the results.
Ive been giving attention to my issues for some time and i guess i havent gave it enough it needs.
Once again i thought, that i was giving everything to writings, my heart and soul, punishing
myself to produce more and better writings. I was wrong. You have to give it EVERYTHING.
nothing comes easy, you have to work to make a difference. It has to completely engulf you,
body and mind.

Ive heard that people that have lived a certain way for thier entire life they dont relize that what
you may be doing is abnormal or unhealthy. I guess now that i think about it, it isnt very strange.
I accept the notion completly but not sure if everyone agrees. The people with different cultures
dont think what they are doing is wrong, and who is to say that they are, its how things were
done and you accept that. But what if someone who has lived in one place thier entire life, live
among people who are living a somewhat shared lifestyle, can one emerge that has no
recolection or idea of how “it should be”? Anything goes and you just except that as life. This
is the way it has always been so how could i know a difference?

It shocks doctors to hear that someone could have depression every single day. I dont
understand that. i think depression, the depression in my life, shapes every single idea, thought
principal, everything. that is a part of my life, so it puzzles me to think that other people have
it different? Do they have it 5 days a week? 2 days a week? I grant it that the severety is not the
same day after day, sometimes it could be pretty mild and sometimes it is more than you think
you can bare. Do you believe the phrase God never throws anything at you that you cant
handle? I wonder. always do.

(1999)In My Eyes

In a sence of resentment, hoping to find a sort… of relief.
A chilling call of selfishness and grief.
I look to see at what i must face.
A spirit of joy and love no trace.

All alone with no hope at all.
I soon begin to see that it all will fall.
With my head down in shame i soon see.
I have lost everything that there ever will be for me.

This longing for hope will grow no stronger.
I look at myself and see i cant last any longer.
I must escape this tormenting pain.
I no longer care for any, i have no gain.

Waiting for the end to come i wait.
Hoping never again to feel this dreadfull hate.
But it all will end as all does to all.
And again, tommarow, I will once again fall.

Chapter 5
The toll of these questions are haunting me. Just the questions themselves. Overwhelming. Is
this a kind of wake-up call? Its hurts enough allready just thinking about it, then follows me in
my dreams. Pushing me and teasing me of something that is out of reach is killing me. Its very
hard to change almost everything youve learned the way you feel inside to actually make your
life better. And when it does it feels so alien you walk back into the darkness because your
heart races and you begin to shake. Just talking about it seriously is enough to make me feel
uneasy. Affraid of change, even if its for the better, and yet it is what i seek.

I have to take control of my mind. These flashes of evil images, im affriad, are getting stronger.
Its like a battle always fighting myself inside to do the right thing. Pulling myself back from
spacing out. These feelings arnt overnight. They are cultivated for many years and your mind
turns very slowly. So to turn it back will take the same amount of time. Kind of un-doing it all.
A state of mind takes over and thers is no thinking about anything and before you know it…

The rain is all you can hear and your eyes wont move
your mind fades to black and everything shuts down.
until you pull yourself back into this world
you live on another.

(1999)Hate
a loser to what her life has shown
seing no purpose, the only words to her groan
always a smile masks her face
voices crush her spirit and sorrow filled her days
opinions of none… her head in shame
feeling of seclusion, her heart recognized the pain
the one deprived, the feeling of gain
her feelings and craves covered
she laughs as her needs were smothered
apon a new light vengence marked the soul
darkness swallowed her mind and hate took its toll
crimson flesh throbing in hand’s of Smiles
a blade of pain and blood in the isles
enemies of pity met with she, fueled enigma
alone in her corner of the dark prison to her mind
left behind by love her purpose she must find
no more smiles and numb to the touch
the feeling of love she craved so much
the top of the sky she climbed so hard and found
to end with death when she finally hit the ground.

What do i have to do to make them take me seriously?
A fork in the road ahead, choose wisely, you can never go back.

When I was younger, I listened to these two songs very often.  Some family members had the CD’s (tapes at the time) and I couldn’t help but put them on repeat.  Someone just recently has become interested in hearing them, so I’ve provided them here.  For reference, John Anderson is a country singer.  Enjoy.

Seminole Wind

Straight Tequila Night

This is absolutely incredible. When I saw this, my jaw dropped and I smiled thinking of the possibilities. This could very well be the most important discovery of this decade. Props to Mr. John Kanzius and his work here. Watch this video and show everyone you know.