Does God have me in his hand
when i land back in the sinking sand
counting the hours, all i think is how to get high
then crashing down like i were shot from the sky
Everyone hurts when im in the cloads
i break the promise that i have more than once vowed
The fog keeps me blind from the black cloads above
and numb to the ones who try to share thier love
So selfish i pray for the Lord to take me away
I dont have the guts to slide the blade the right way to end my stay

All these scars that have destracted pain from my soul and in my heart
that takes me away from the anger and saddness that is tearing me apart
the blade my friend, the bringer of relief
that only a small percentege of people could really ever understand
I wish i could explain to you the way it works on the cursed land

“One of the most empowering revelations a human may experience is the unmistakable realization of their own greatest desires.”

This has probably been said before, but I wrote it in my own way.  I believe this statement with everything that I am.  I believe it because I realize how hard it actually is to determine what it is that I want.  I wake up each day searching for my desires long before my feet hit the floor.  With the first step, I am moving toward my goals.  I am a rocket - a rocket with a temporarily unavailable guidance system.  It’s one thing to realize potential, but another entirely to realize direction.  The quote above is the definition of my quest.  When I find what it is that I want, the power generated will be immense.  One also has to realize that destiny isn’t something to be waited for, it’s something to be achieved.  That simple lesson seemed to take a lifetime to be absorbed into my head.  Now that it has, I still struggle with maintaining it as a cornerstone upon which to build my life’s structures.  And yet, I do this with confidence and well-honed accuracy.  Consequently, the whole process works as designed.  At times it is difficult and often rocky, but that’s the road I chose.  That is the road that chose me.  And here we go…

Join me in welcoming a new Author to the Vast Reality community:  Charles K.

His username is MiamiWinds and will have Author priviledges.  For those of you that know our current author, Ben, Charles K. is his brother.  Thank you for your interest and we look forward to your entries!

Again, Welcome.

Charles, please e-mail me (or call) for your new password.  You may change this password on your first log-in.  When we both have a minute, I will walk you through basic profile maintenence and basic posting ins and outs.  Additionally, all Authors have a profile page setup for members and visitors to view.  When you have some information available, please visit the “Profiles” page located on the list on the right to see the basic format of a profile.  I will also show you how to post a “page” that will be filed under the profiles tab as well.  I look forward to hearing from you.

I dont know what it is with me. One day i feel on top of the world, nothing could be better. The next i wake up to gagging and continue all day long. I try to stifle it, but if i half way throw up it doesnt seem as bad for awhile. I always want to get fucked up (I know im exposing myself) and seem seriously depressed and i dont know why. Thats what is bothering me the most, that i cant find the reason why this is all happening. I may be blocking something i dont want to deal with? But what? Even when i take something to calm me down i get a headache and the gagging gets worse. I find myself with me head in my hands again. And i dont know why….. I havent been able to sleep in the past coulple days, I stay up and watch movies and hope to drift into sleep. My meds have been comprimised once again. My doctor doesnt practice at the same place and has been hard to find where he is to prescribe my meds and am running out of everything. I have allready ran out of one anti-depressant and one sleeping aid. Thats probobly what my problem is. I have one more anti depressant and one more mood stablalizer and seem to have doubled my dose to try and curve my mood. But it doesnt work. It took me two years to find the right cocktail of medicines that work for me, having these pills pushed on me that make me throw up 2 hours later. That really pisses me off. And i finally found it! And theyre going to try and fuck me again. FUCK! If i cant get what im dependent on as far as my meds, my life… will spiral down to a Hell…. that makes it impossible to breath. Im so sick of this i dont want to go there again. Its so cold alone, you find yourself just wandering in the darkness…. You protect your hope under a cloak, a ball of light, to make sure that no one tries to steal your chance.

A heart speaks to me in volume, a heart speaks to me words, a heart speaks to me true wisdom, a heart speaks to me if i only could grasp his true meaning. A true Brother speaks to me. In the fire of light, in the darkness, and in the trenches of battle…..Charles D….i will always stand beside you, for you i trust, for you i look apon, for you i seek the word of your behalf of my heart.

I am Charles Kiesov, for which i behold to you myself, my word, my knowing, my encouragement, my meaning to overcome all obstacles which stand before me, for i am CHARLES KIESOV.

I have lived a life of Depression, a life of no mercy, a life of no CHANCE. But in my heart.

Guide them through the jungle through a more easier path to trek. I find it very rewarding, the smile on thier face or the look in thier eyes just fills my heart with happiness. But sometimes it can be a little to much to handle, all these lost souls seem to attract to me and i relize that im saying mostly the same thing to most of them.

I wrote you a poem, written by Ben Kiesov, relating to the exact same words you have finally written now. I am not a fool, i am not a clown, but a mirror reflection of a wild flower waiting to grow. You may not of known what i have said, or what i am saying now. But BROTHER. In MY ARMS WE HOLD STRONG. IN MY HEART, IN MY SOUL, I WILL NEVER GIVE UP, YOU SEEN IT,. you HAVE SEEN THE (SIRENS)—(What about Ben’s Brother?)…in my heart Brother we will come together and say.

What a Miracle.

Amen

and God Bless to everyone.

Charles Evan Kiesov